The truth about having a newborn

I'm already starting to forget about this, so I better get it out now before it fades into mom-nesia and I remember those first weeks as blissful and relaxing. I want to share how freaking hard it is to have a newborn because I think most new parents feel it but are afraid to share.

 

I didn't love having a newborn. It was exhausting and monotonous and anxiety-inducing. I loved my daughter - and was so thankful for her - but caring for her took every ounce of effort I had! Feed the baby, feed the baby, change the baby. That's about all I did.

 

Feeding her. I've already shared about our breastfeeding challenges (but that post was super boring so I don't blame you if you didn't read it), but even after I was producing enough milk it was just so time consuming! I knew that newborn babies eat a lot, but it just didn't sink in just how much time I'd spend nursing. For a long, long time (at least the first 2 months) Leia was eating every hour. Sometimes multiple hours at a time. It's so hard to have to pee or eat or take a shower, but not being able to.

 

Leaving the house. Until about 10 weeks, the idea of taking her anywhere in public (especially the grocery store) gave me so much anxiety. What if she starts crying right there and I can't calm her?! For the first 2 months I often couldn't calm her without my boob, and you can't exactly nurse in the middle of a store. And just driving with her was hard with all those postpartum hormones and her crying - once she was screaming on a 5-10 minute drive and I was convinced that she thought I had abandoned her. Those hormones, man!

 

Taking care of myself. When you're feeding your child constantly, it's so freaking hard to pee or vacuum or cook dinner! Everyone tells you not to worry about anything but taking care of the baby, but you can't help but want to do these things. Plus you really have to feed yourself and take a bathroom break once in a while.

 

What helped?

 

Accepting it. I had to change my mindset from "It's so hard feeding her every hour! WHY??" to "I just have to feed her every hour for a while. This is my life and I have to embrace it." I accepted that I can't cook dinner until James is home from work - if at all (more often than not I do not cook dinner). And I can't do any housework except on Tuesdays when my mom comes over to play with the baby and give me a break (thank you Mom!!). When I just accepted that this is how it is, it was easier to deal with!

 

Spending time with other new moms. Leia and I go to a Mommy and Me group almost every Wednesday. It's specifically for Kaiser members, but there are lots of others. We've made lots of friends through that group, and almost every week we also have a play date or some kind of activity with mom and baby friends who I can relate to. Something changes in you when you become a parent, and you need to talk with people who are going through the same thing.

 

Time. As baby grew, it just got easier. We got used to each other and I got used to my new schedule (or lack thereof). Now at 3 and a half months old, Leia is nursing every 1.5 to 2.5 hours, rather than every hour like for the first 2 months of her life. She'll let me go on walks for up to an hour with her. And while at a month old, the thought of taking her in public terrified me, I have now started to realize that she enjoys going new places and is usually really well behaved. I just feed her right before we leave and carry her in the Ergo whenever we go out - she loves looking around!

I remember driving with Leia when she was 6 weeks old, and having a moment where I realized "Wow, this is getting easier! I can handle it!" Then again at 12 weeks I had that moment where it got easier yet.

New moms of the world: Hang in there! It gets better. Don't let anyone (including yourself) let you feel guilty for not enjoying every moment. That baby is adorable, but caring for him or her is hard. You'll get used to it and love the parenting process so much more soon!

Feeding Leia

Before I had my baby, I knew that breastfeeding would be hard. I knew that it would take blood, sweat, tears, dedication and frustration. I knew that it would hurt. It's getting better, but I sure didn't expect all the roadblocks we've had so far!

2 days old: When home from the hospital, Leia was eating around the clock. Like, almost constantly and sleeping very little. I didn't know if this was normal or not - I figured she was working hard to make my milk come in so I nursed her most of the time. And it really hurt to breastfeed!

3 days old: We had a routine doctor checkup. Normal weight loss is 10%, and she had lost 10.5% of her body weight (down to 7 lbs., 10 oz.). The doctor and we weren't too concerned, but he had us come back the following day to see if she was any better.

4 days old: Back at the doctor after nursing constantly for 24 hours, she had lost 2 more ounces. And she had a fever - which is a big concern in a baby this young. It can be a sign of infection, and when you're that small an infection can spread very quickly.

This was probably the worst day of my life. We were admitted to the hospital so that she could receive antibiotics via IV in case she had an infection. They gave her:

1. A urinary catheter to take a pee sample and check for bladder infection
2. A spinal tap to take a sample of spinal fluid and check for infection there
3. And they took a blood sample to check for blood infection

It was horrible! My poor baby was so brave, but it was just awful to watch her cry and not be able to comfort her:(

They gave us a hospital room and she was given fluids and antibiotics through an IV. If she had an infection, they couldn't wait the 2 days for results because it had to be taken care of immediately.

My milk was coming in at this time, finally.

5 days old: Baby girl got up to 8 pounds - but mostly due to the IV fluids they were giving her. James and I stayed in the hospital with her and I nursed her, as well as used a hospital pump to supplement with bottles after feeding.

In the hospital :(

6 days old: Leia got up to 8 lbs., 3 oz. and we were released from the hospital. The test results revealed no infection, and it was decided that her fever was due to dehydration because she was getting little to no milk from me yet.

7-9 days old: We rented a hospital grade pump so that I could continue to supplement at home (all along I'd been pumping more than she was eating). Unfortunately, she decided that she hates bottles and pretty much refused to take them. We were able to get very little additional milk into her body.

It finally stopped hurting to breastfeed, so that's the one bright side.

10 days old: We went to our doctor's office for a weight check up - 8 lbs., 1 oz. Our doctor wasn't too worried because her 8 lbs., 3 oz. weight from a few days earlier was not necessarily accurate (again - the IV fluids).

12 days old: Weight check at the Lactation Center: 8 lbs. So disappointing and frustrating! I broke down and cried right there. They gave us a Supplemental Nursing System (SNS) to use, which did work to get food into her. We were able to supplement more than ever before with that thing, though it's a pain in the ass to use and took literally an hour to get her to eat an ounce.

15 days old: Weight check again: 8 lbs. WTF!! We were told to up supplementation of breastmilk to 2 oz. per feeding - before they just said to give her whatever we can. I wish they'd given us an amount before.

Sadly, I had to give her formula on this day :( I hate it - it's one of the top things I never wanted to do as a parent - but I had to decide that it was more important that she eats something, than that she doesn't eat formula. In this case, I had to admit that formula was medically necessary (and I'm not one to say that! I never would have thought I'd do this a month ago).

My milk production was just a little behind her consumption, so I had to give 2 ounces of formula a day for about a week (even though I pumped 8 times a day trying to increase my supply). Other than that week, she gets all breastmilk.

17 days old: 8 lbs, 2 oz. :) She started to hate the bottle less so it got easier. But please note... it did not get easy. All I did day and night was nurse, bottle feed, pump. When baby was sleeping, I had to pump. Then get a few minutes a break, then start the cycle again. Can you say exhausting?!

18 days old: 8 lbs., 4 oz. Finally, this is working. I picked up a prescription for Reglan, which is a drug that increases milk supply. I never thought I'd have to go to these lengths, but I'm so glad it's an option!

22 days old: 8 lbs., 10 oz. The LC I'd been seeing multiple times a week thought that my milk supply was finally up to a sufficient level, with the help of Reglan and my all-day-every-day pumping. She said that for the next 24 hours, I could breastfeed only (as long as Leia seemed satisfied) to see if she gained at least an ounce that way.

23 days old: 8 lbs., 12 oz.! It's so great to just be a "normal" mom - all I have to do is nurse my baby. Sooo much easier!

24 days old: We went to our first Mommy and Me group, where she weighed in at 8 lbs., 14 oz. Now I don't have to go to the Lactation Center or Pediatrician multiple times a week, I'll just go to Mommy and Me weekly-ish and can weigh her there. I'm finally confident that my body is feeding her and it's fabulous. I'm so thankful that I can breastfeed my baby!!

It's a girl!!

Leia Juliana

August 5, 2012

8:58 p.m. * 8 lbs., 9 oz. * 20.5" long

I gave birth to this beautiful little girl last Sunday! We're in love!! Her birth was perfect and exactly what we planned. Since then, we've had some complications that were no fun - but we're all healthy now. I'll blog about everything soon, when I get a free minute!

Looking forward to...

• Seeing what and who our baby looks like
• Seeing my husband as a father
• Seeing my parents and in-laws as grandparents, and siblings as aunts and uncles
• Nursing our child
• Finding out whether we have a son or a daughter
• Making my baby laugh
• Knowing that I'm mommy and nobody can take my place
• Showing off baby to our friends
• Seeing my hubby teach our child
• Teaching our child myself
• Snuggling with my baby
• Bringing our child to music in the park, the pumpkin festival, etc.
• Babywearing
• Baby bathing and swimming
• Baby's first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...
• Seeing our child's personality emerge
• Taking our child on family walks
• Sleeping on my stomach
• Drinking a glass of champagne (or 3)
• Shaving my legs and cutting my toenails without a great deal of effort

"Birthmarks" by Cassie Fox

A mark for every breath you took, every sleepy yawn.
One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello,
closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness.
One for every time you had the hiccups.
One for every dream you dreamed within me.
It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it's ugly.
That's okay. It was your home.
It held you until my arms could,
and for that I will always find something beautiful in it.

-Cassie Fox

(via Pinterest)